I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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