my vag is so smooth its legendary
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
