I accidentally had phone sex last night
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He better not be in your backpack
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Randomize