Kiss
Puke
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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