i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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