this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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