I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
