Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
