I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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