I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
