Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
