I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
