I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize