This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
