I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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