I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
