Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
