We're facebook friends in real life
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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