There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
