there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
