Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
