I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
