You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
dude. I can hear the air.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
