Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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