How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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