I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
