One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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