I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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