i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My breasts were aching with rage.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
