The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
