party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
