Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
