Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
