I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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