Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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