you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
