dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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