dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
