just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
