remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
All the doctor said was why
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
