Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
