You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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