I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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