Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
