I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
