Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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