I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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