there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
