apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
