Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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