as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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