Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
