I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
