i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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