handjob tips. give me some.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
