Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
