jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
