This dress was meant to end up on your floor
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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