Rock
Scissors
Fuck
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
