I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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